Someday You'll Be Fine.

In my seminar today we briefly touched upon the issue of desire, and how desire is about wanting something that is absent. Sometimes I wonder what the person who ''has it all'' desires. Does anybody really have it all? and if anybody does, do they know it? We all want that higher grade, to be that one stone lighter, Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe, and that special someone who seems to be completely out of our reach.

I wish I could stop desiring things, but then if I did, would that signify me giving up hope? I don't think desire and hope are two mutually exclusive things, but at the moment I feel a little low on hope. I'm not 100% sure where I'm going, and I'm unsure whether I'll find what it is I'm looking for. However, I'm putting more effort into my work, I've made some apologies and lent myself to some volunteer work. I guess I hope that if I do enough good deeds, it'll generate some positive karma towards me.

Breakeven.

I'm going to start looking for work experience at a solicitors in Sheffield for the summer, I'm going to dedicate myself to learning Spanish, I'm going to do more voluntary work and aim to get a high 2.1 for semester two. Despite how low I'm feeling, I'm going to be ok.

Higher Is Impossible

Amsterdam is such a beautiful city, and the people so friendly. I was lucky enough to see my former flatmate who is from Holland, and left us just before semester two began. On my brief visit I went to the sex museum, The Van Gough Museum, the red light district and spent a lot of time in coffee shops. I wish I'd been able to visit Anne Frank's house,though. Next time.

Bubbles.

After a disasterous night out on Friday, I've decided to return home for a few days. Whilst I won't go into details at the moment, I've felt quite low at university in the past few days, and I was in desperate need to return to Sheffield.

Loughborough is a complete bubble because the town is that small. Consequently, I feel a bit trapped at times, and I noticed that my mood had begun to pick up when I was on the bus home. I return to university on Wednesday and then lave for Amsterdam on Thursday night so I won't really be back at university till Sunday. I'm hoping that once I'm back doing my lessons that I'll cheer up at bit, and that my low mood is the consequence of having nothing to do.

I felt quite calm when I returned in January, but again I feel al the old doubts about who I am resurfacing. I feel, at times, that I'm seen in a different way to who I actually am. Hopefully, this is simply a mixture of winter blues, too many free days and hormones and my next post will be more positive.

Reckless Abandon.

The past week has been spent doing very little. I successfully managed to get onto the Spanish module though, and the gods of English and Drama have smiled upon me and given me a very nice timetable.

Keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

My absence has been due to having to complete four essays, which is a combined word count of 9000 words, and my French tests. The last two weeks have been busy to say the least.I've been running off less than six hours sleep at times, but now I've finished and handing my work in tomorrow and have two b-e-a-u-t- i-f-u-l weeks off in which I intend to do nothing and everything all at the same time.

I'm really looking forward to reading books that I WANT to read, discovering some new bands, spending lazy days with my friends and exploring a bit more of Loughborough. Then two weeks today I shall be Amsterdam bound for two (hopefully) reckless days.

It's so bizarre that the first month of 2012 is almost over - it started in Sheffield and ends in Loughborough. It's been relatively quiet, but I'm feeling relatively optimistic that good things will come my way. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed extra tight.

When My Day Comes.

Well, on Sunday I shall be Uni bound once again. I've tentatively begun tackling the mountain of work that I have been set - my promise to work over Christmas failed miserably.

I'm happy to be going back, I've missed people and it'll be good to be doing something again. Also, I've gained some weight here and when I'm back at university I'll be thankful that I won't have mountains of chocolate to be tempted by. However, I've loved being back home! I've missed my friends and I really feel myself here. One thing I've noticed is that I'm not myself at university: my friend said I'm ''painted in water colours''. That statement is true to an extent, I'm a lot less outgoing and I think it's because I don't feel 100% comfortable as I live with these people, and I've known them a mere three months. In Sheffield I feel comfortable cracking an inappropropriate joke, being flirty and dancing around. I've promised that I shall unleash myself in semester two, because I can't spend three years pretending to be somebody I'm not.

Aside from this inner conflict, 2012 is promising to be a good year so far. I feel much more relaxed and comfortable about who I am, I'm going to Amsterdam in a month, I'm seeing Young Guns at an incredibly small show (only 160 tickets released!), and I may be attending a hippy festival in August. Hopefully, when this year really gets going, I'll have more good things to share.